Before contacting your ex, ask yourself these questions

First identify the reason behind this desire to contact

The impulse to reach out usually has a trigger: being alone at night, seeing a limited-time post from them, a shared friend's wedding, a song, or a special anniversary. Identify that trigger first, then ask yourself: Am I missing this person, or am I missing the routine of having them around? What do I want to accomplish—apologize, resolve an unfinished matter, confirm whether there's still a chance, or simply let them know I'm still thinking of them?

Write the purpose in one clear sentence, then assess whether it requires a response to be valid. 'I want to say I'm sorry' doesn't need a reply to be complete; 'I want to know if he still loves me' leaves the outcome in the hands of the other person. If the latter, pause and consider: what if they don’t reply? How would you handle that?

Three things to confirm before contacting

The following three points can be checked off one by one before hitting send. If any one of them cannot be answered—or the answer is 'no'—it's worth postponing the message.

Keep the message short; don't pack all your expectations into the first message

After deciding to reach out, the first message should be as brief as possible: state the purpose, don’t demand a reply, and avoid any mention of reconciliation. All your regrets, explanations, and hopes should be left out of the first message—otherwise the recipient will feel pressured and find it hard to respond. Below are examples for apologies and handling matters, with the last one being a simple check-in that can be directly copied and modified.

• When apologizing, for example: 'Regarding what happened before, I’d like to say I'm sorry. No reply is needed—I just wanted you to know.'
• When there's something to resolve, for example: 'There's one thing I need to take care of. If it's convenient, please let me know how to proceed. Thank you.'
• Do not ask 'Are we still possible?' in the first message. If the other person is willing to talk, that question can come later; if not, asking it now only makes things more awkward.

After sending, take care of your own life

After hitting send, the hardest part is not constantly checking your phone. Set a time limit for yourself—for example, three days: during that time, go about your work, see friends, exercise, and don’t send a second message. If they reply with a brief, polite response, accept that as the current distance. If they don’t reply, it doesn’t mean you made a mistake—it just means they’re not in a position or not ready right now.

If their reply is enthusiastic, don’t immediately assume it means 'we should restart.' A pleasant conversation doesn’t automatically mean the original reasons for the breakup have been resolved.

If you really want to talk about reconciliation

Reconnection isn’t about going back to the past—it's about both people facing the reasons for the breakup together. First, list the three most important reasons from the time of separation, mark which have changed (what you changed, what they changed, what the environment changed), and which remain unchanged. If all three reasons still exist, one message won’t erase them.

Bring your intentions, their boundaries, and your most feared response to Nexa. Nexa will break this situation into what has already happened, what still needs confirmation, and what can be done next, explaining the reasoning behind each step and telling you which step to take first. If you'd like to view it from the perspective of the I Ching, you can also ask that within the same conversation. As for what the other person is thinking now, that will only appear after the message is sent. Whether or not you send it, you'll understand much more clearly than you do now.