Should I stay in this relationship?

First, clarify what you're clinging to

The reasons for wanting to stay are often not just one. You might still love him as he is now, or you might value the feeling of shared life, or perhaps you find it hard to let go because you've invested so much over the past three years. List them separately—not to dismiss any one, but to see whether you're protecting the present or the past.

One question can help you distinguish: If you met each other today, and knew his current state, would you still want to get closer? If the answer is 'yes' quickly, then what you're clinging to is likely the person as he is now. If you have to think about it for a long time, perhaps what you're clinging to is the time you've already invested. Both feelings are valid—but they point toward different next steps.

Separate observation, feelings, and needs

‘He doesn’t care about me’ is a feeling combined with a conclusion; ‘He rescheduled his last three dates’ is an observation. Break these apart and place them in a table, then add ‘what I need’ and ‘how I can confirm it.’ You’ll find that many things you’ve repeatedly thought about have never actually been asked of your partner—or have been asked, but not clearly answered.

Below is an example of how such a table might look. You can follow the same four-column format and write down two or three recent events that have made you hesitate.

Check whether needs have been clearly expressed and responded to

Relationships naturally have mismatched points. What matters is not whether problems exist, but whether when problems arise, both people can face them together—or whether one person consistently suppresses their feelings, allowing the relationship to continue. Reflect on each need listed in your table: which category does it fall into?

• Never expressed: you thought he should know, or feared saying it would cause an argument. Such needs must be voiced first before any sense of care can even begin.
• Expressed, but not understood: he interpreted it as blame or a minor issue. Try rephrasing it—start with facts and feelings—and give it another chance.
• Expressed and understood, but no change: this is the most important situation to take seriously. Your partner knows your need, but has not acted. You now need to decide how long you're willing to wait.

Set a time limit for observation, and also for one or two specific changes

If you still want to try, agree with your partner on one or two specific changes, and set a deadline—for example, four to six weeks. The changes should be concrete and visible: 'One evening a week without computers, just eating together' is better than 'spending more time together'; 'Talking by the next day after an argument' is better than 'communicating well.' The deadline is not a countdown—it's a reminder to look back at what actually happened, not just hear another promise.

Either continuing or ending the relationship doesn't require the other person to become a bad person

Continuation requires mutual agreement; departure does not require waiting for any specific wrongdoing by the other person to be justified. Your feelings, your boundaries, and the kind of life you envision are all integral parts of the decision-making process. You can first share this with a trusted friend, going through the contents on the form; sometimes, their key takeaway will differ from yours.

If the relationship involves violence, threats, or control, prioritize contacting a trusted person or seeking professional help—there's no need to complete any preparation first.

Bring this form to Nexa and explain the things that have made you hesitate. Nexa will break it down into what has already happened, what still needs confirmation, and what can be done next, explaining the reasoning behind each judgment and telling you which step to take first. You can also ask for a review of this relationship from the perspective of the I Ching or Bazi within the same conversation. The answers to whether to separate or stay will only become clear after you've said what you need to say and after you've seen how the other person responds; this step can be taken slowly.